Does Paper Trump Rock?

Welcome to Quill And Fox’s most candid column: Heartfelt Rants About Unbelievably Trivial Annoyances, where incredibly witty individuals express their mild frustrations over something utterly nonsensical.

Rock, Paper, Scissors (also known as Scissors, Paper, Rock or Paper, Scissors, Rock) is a game suitable for players aged 3 and above, introduced by Hasbro in 1989.

The Rules of the Game

In this game, two players simultaneously shape their outstretched hand into one of three forms. They can either make a closed fist, symbolizing a rock, a flat hand, representing a sheet of paper, or a fist with the index and middle fingers extended into a V shape, signifying scissors.

Please note: The V shape should be positioned horizontally to avoid being mistaken for the peace sign. And for the love of all things holy, refrain from placing your tongue inside the V shape; it might give off the wrong impression!

As with any viral trend, the tweets and memes started to flow:

“Fighting games are just Rock Paper Scissors, except bad characters only have rock and good characters have a gun.” – Kosoku (cosmic) (@KosokuSmash) November 4, 2018

The Game’s Outcomes

The game results in two possible outcomes. If both players choose the same symbol, it’s a draw. If they select different symbols, one player emerges as the winner. For instance, scissors triumphs over paper.

Scissors are designed for cutting paper, giving them an undeniable advantage in this matchup. Similarly, rock defeats scissors effortlessly. Attempting to cut a rock with scissors is not only impossible, but it also ruins the scissors in the process. Go ahead, give it a try! Ten attempts would cost you ten pairs of scissors.

However, the game’s consistency crumbles when we examine the relationship between paper and rock. For some nonsensical reason, the game suggests that paper reigns supreme over rock.

The Questionable Logic

In what parallel universe does paper conquer rock? Welcome to the realm of pure absurdity.

I was fully invested in this game’s intricate narrative structure and captivating world-building. It almost rivaled the combined works of George R.R. Martin, J.R.R. Tolkien, and Roald R.R. Dahl. However, this notion of paper defeating rock shattered my immersion completely.

The supposed reasoning behind this concept is that paper “covers” rock, implying that covering the rock renders it powerless.

But let’s examine the reality, shall we?

By covering the rock with a sheet of paper, all you’re doing is granting the stone the power of disguise. It becomes a stealthy, covert, surreptitious rock—a ninja rock! Now, you’re Odysseus at the gates of Troy, stealthily sneaking your rock into unsuspecting venues. You might even sneak it into your enemy’s birthday party, disguised as a gift.

“Oh, Jordan, a gift from my foe? I never expected such kindness. Let down my guard, physically and emotionally. Oh, wait, it’s a rock! I’m hurt and disappointed. Our enmity shall persist.”

I refuse to accept the ludicrous proposition that covering a rock with a sheet of paper weakens the rock. In fact, I argue that the rock emerges triumphant in this scenario.

For a sheet of paper to envelop a rock, it must be molded to the shape of the rock, tarnishing the paper. Here are three reasons why the paper’s quality declines in this encounter:

1. The paper becomes dirty. Rocks, by nature, accumulate various forms of debris, including soil, feces, and cigarette butts, when they’re on the ground. If a sheet of paper comes into contact with a rock, it inevitably collects particles of this filth, leaving it pungent and obscuring any text or artwork on the paper. Moreover, its capacity to hold text or artwork in the future diminishes significantly.

2. The paper can be torn. Rocks can be rough and sharp, while paper is notoriously fragile. It’s not unreasonable to assume that covering a rock with a sheet of paper will result in the paper tearing or getting scratched. And, as we’ve witnessed in the Scissors vs. Paper matchup, a sheet of paper without structural integrity is undoubtedly a loser.

3. The paper will become crinkled. Any attempt to manipulate the shape of a piece of paper will inevitably lead to irregularly folded creases. Consequently, the jamming of said paper in printers, photocopiers, or fax machines would decrease the efficiency of YOUR BUSINESS. Fax machines are the unsung heroes of the internet. Do you really want to risk bringing about Skynet? Because that’s how we get Skynet!

A Suggestion for Improvement

To rectify this flaw, I propose modifying the game to become Rock, Scissors, Dynamite. The sign for dynamite would be an upturned hand with wiggling fingers. Dynamite is famously known for obliterating both rocks and cartoon coyotes.

Meanwhile, scissors are renowned for cutting things like hair and the wired connectors between dynamite and a detonator, just like in Season 8, Episode 11 of the hit television program 24, starring Kiefer Sutherland.

In conclusion, rock trumps paper. Paper trumps nothing. It’s as clear as an untarnished sheet of A4 paper. So, save your arguments and embrace the undeniable truth. Can you smell what The Rock is cooking?

Jordan Raskopoulos is Australia’s premier roller-skating transsexual. Visit Quill And Fox to find more enlightening and entertaining content.